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She sat by the window reminiscing about the past few days. They had changed her. In what way she did not know. But she knew it was time for her to decide. It was time, yet again, to decide between the two halves of her mind. Between what was right and what was wonderfully joyful. She was never good at choosing the right path whenever she was confronted by the heartless crossroad. Through the window, she looked at the roaring clouds, and then beyond them. Please don’t let it rain on me, she prayed, not to the clouds…to no one in particular.

 

She sat down at her usual bench in the only decent public park in the city and took out her book to pretend to read. There was hardly anyone in the park so early in the evening, but she did not want to seem crazy staring into nothingness to any stranger. In her mind, she was still at the cross roads and choosing the right path still seemed impossible. There was a strong but terrible past beckoning and a fragile future seducing to take a leap, but what was most difficult was enduring the present. Every single day was passing by her, and nothing she did was channeling to the right direction. Breathing without thinking seemed like an impossible task. She just wished she could put all her thoughts to sleep and enjoy the very moment she was living.

 

She lay wide awake in her bed. Her legs kept shaking under her quilt, and her thoughts kept swaying beneath the sleep derived mind. Her eyes were tired, even so were not ready to close. Yet again her life was changing and this time for eternity. She had to make a decision and stand by it for a lifetime. The thought made her shudder. There was no way of knowing which road leaded to heaven and which to hell. The thought kept her awake into the wee hours. But today she felt asleep just after mid night. And then she had a dream.

She had a dream that she was stranded at a crossroad, an actual crossroad. Her denim was frayed and her backpack lay on the ground uncared for. With one hand she was fidgeting with the strap of her camera bag that she still held onto with utmost care. Her dark brown shades were the only relief from the scorching sunlight that was blasting on her. She could see the horizon over wavy fumes of hot air. There was nothing behind her, on the road that took her back to where she began her journey from, that she was sure of now. On her right lay a concrete road that seemed to take her to a dubious land and on the left was a patchy walkway, the road less traveled.  She was sure it would be an adventurous journey but she did not know where it would take her eventually. And in front of her lay barren land,  without any sign of even a birth of road. It stretched till the horizon. There were little bits of weeds trying to spring out from the ground at some places, but that was the only sign of any life on it. She stood there waiting for someone to come along and guide her. She waited all day. Her white t-shirt was all muddy by now. There was a steady wind blowing now and stars had started to pop their heads into the violet sky. But there was no sign of any one coming along to lead her to the right path. She collapsed and lay on the road, every inch of her exasperated. She hopelessly stared at the stars as the sky started turning black. And then she heard it. She heard music that stirred her awake in to her senses and as though hypnotized by it she was started walking in the direction of the provoking sounds. Before she knew she was in middle of a place that seemed to have sprung up from nowhere. There were snow-capped mountains and little streams of water running everywhere. The place smelled like musk and was filled with soft colored flowers.The ground was a soft carpet of lush green grass.It looked perfect until she got too close. The flowers had prickly thorns and the streams were out of reach. The grass was home to countless insects.The mountains remained flawless. She was confused by the imperfection of the place and yet could not resist the charm it radiated. She looked back at the road that had led her to this place. She saw only one long road; there was no sign of any intersection, no sign of any crossroad.

 

 

She woke up in the morning and her decision was made.

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Song Association

Last week,I was reading a book called ‘Bossypants’ by Tina Fey.It is an autobiographical account of this wonderful women with a funny bone.There are a couple of lines in the book when she remembers her single hood days that go like this:

Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.

I smiled many times during the book,but on reading these lines,my insides smiled with me.How many times had that happened to me!You miss someone when you a hear a song,but not missing someone when you hear a song can make you sad too.This used to happen a lot to me,and I used to feel like an emotional idiot.It was such a relief reading those lines,a relief to know that someone somewhere (who has a published book) feels the way I do too.Well,of course,a stronger me does not shed tears over these songs anymore,but yes,I am not embarrassed (now) to accept,there was a time when romantic songs used to drive me into a depressional abyss.The songs that used to be most successful in doing so were ‘Brighter than sunshine’ by Aqualung,’Lucky’ by Jason Marz and recently when I heard the song ‘Back to you’ by Bryan Adams,I did not feel melancholia but just couldn’t stop smiling of how much I used to love this song for some reason! I used to play these songs in loop (not just these,plenty more,but I will spare you all) and cry for hours.

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Oh,what the hell,lets listen to these one more time…(and that’s how the loop begins)

 

I’m intrigued if anyone else has such songs that make them somber for not reminding them of someone,do you?

(P.S. I know all these songs are ‘pop music’.I wonder if this points out to the fact that the feeling,of not being able to associate anyone with these songs,is immature and shallow.Well,who cares?)

(P.P.S. I tried not to write this post for many days,but with it raining since evening,I couldn’t help myself.I’m still a sucker for all things romantic)