Tag Archives: life

Why?

WHY?

You ask the thin air, you ask the hazy smoke.

You ask the distant stars, and beyond them, that bloke.

Why?

You think hard and long,

All those sleepless nights.

The unheard apologies, the unsaid goodbyes;

And you don’t even know why.

Why?

Your eyes are sore, your stomach hungry,

your body is aching and heart still broken.

The ice-cold eyes still render you speechless,

and you can’t even utter that single worded question…

Why?

You think you are ready, strong enough to know.

But the other side of why is always the harder blow.

No amount of hurt could prepare you for the answer,

And once you know, it can never be undone.

Why?

Why do you really want to know why?

Does it matter now?

Does it change anything anyway?

Does it relieve the pain?

Why?

Sometimes these questions are best left unanswered.

For the fear of unknown is better than the unending pain on the other side of

WHY?

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The untimely rain

I knew there was a hurricane in some unrelated-to-me part of the world. But I hadn’t expected it to affect me. As I walked down the road, unsuspecting,unprepared… it rained on me. I could see the road ahead of me was getting dark and the rain was only getting heavier. I tried finding rhyme in the shower,to make my journey tolerable. But I couldn’t! The sudden screeching lighting scared the shit out of me for a second. But I realised it also helped me see my path. Even though I have always been scared of lightning, since childhood, I knew it was my only saviour right now. There was no point in fighting it. I had to befriend my enemy, grow over my fear and see the other side of this coin.
As the heavy raindrops continued hitting my drenched hair, my fingers started getting numb. Another lightning, and I knew that I was half way there. Already? Not bad, I thought to myself.
I suddenly started enjoying the rain. Kicking the small puddles along the curb, I finally found the rhythm in the rain. And strength in the lightning.
No matter what time in the year,what phase in your life,the untimely rain will always try to boggle you down. The challenge is, not always being prepared for the rain; what is life if you are over cautious after all? The challenge is dealing with the rain. Never mind if you get drenched,let yourself be poured upon by life. The challenge, and the beauty is, continuing on your journey,no matter what. The challenge is enjoying the journey,no matter what. And emerging stronger, every single time.

Whatever works

She realised nothing in her life was going according to the plan,her plan.She closed her eyes in an attempt to stop tears from rolling down.She could feel her ears heat up.She felt an uncontrollable anger towards everyone in her life.She hated the fact that when she needed someone to just be with her,no one was around. She did not need advice,or sympathy…not even apathy.She just needed someone who would hold her hand and give her a warm hug, keep her thoughtless for sometime at least.But there she was,sitting in a crowded cafe,music blasting in her ears,somewhere she was only because she had nowhere else to go. No one to go to.People around her had driven her to a situation where this odd place made her calm and at the same time she feared someone might recognise her here and start a conversation…She longed for a heart to heart conversation with a friend,but did not know who to turn to.So the idea of conversing scared her.It was all confusing for her.She wanted and feared the same things.
She had started detesting people she once loved dearly.Staying with them seemed futile.A waste of energy,time and patience.She sometimes smiled in her head when she tried to listen to what was being bombarded on her all the time.She wasn’t mocking them or laughing on them,not even in her head.It just amused her how insignificant the banter was to her and how ignorant everyone was about it,about her..her feelings,her opinion…her existence!
But it wasn’t a total waste,the bombarding.It did affect her.All the constant pressure and negative thoughts that everyone immersed her in,they did manage to depress her,every single time.And yet she cared about them at the end of the day.She did not want to hurt them by her unworldly ways and that’s why she stayed,stayed but stayed away.On a minimal interaction basis.But they did not even understand that.There was no way she behaved that would prove to be non-offensive to them. So once in a while she laughed and cracked jokes and gossiped with them,to make them feel better.And they did,but that was all that they cared about.She was never their priority,never was anyone’s.But they needed her,to keep them entertained,to do their little charades,to keep them sane.And so she did.Because when you love someone,there is no other option but to do whatever works,whatever works for them.

Golden hope

Since childhood, she had been always fascinated with tunnels.But unlike others, the fascination did not wear off with childhood. As a child, the darkness scared and excited her in strange way. Acting like day had turned into night in a wink and back to day just as quickly became one of the things she looked forward to in any travel.As she grew up,her fear turned into admiration and wonder, as to how man had managed to carve out this void into mammoth of a mountain. Even when that mystery was solved,the tunnels remained enigmatic to her.The amber coloured lights flooding the tunnels made her feel magical  They were like charming small suns minus the harsh heat.They made her smile and filled her with unrealistic optimism, as if this were the moment when all the darkness in her life was to be lit up with beaming golden hope.When the lights bounced on her whitish skin,she felt beautiful,like the light was washing away all the ugliness in her, mending all the blemishes..leaving just purity. She did not know what it was about them,they were just ordinary lights after all. But it wasn’t about the fixtures, or the colour of the light,but the idea of something bright piercing the monstrous darkness,making everything in the journey visible,clear and uncomplicated…it was this idea of darkness being slain to reveal beauty that was always the core of her fascination.It inspired her in to believing that we can overcome every difficulty,every frightening thing can be fought. It was always about hope, golden hope.

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Fighting Mirrors

She looked at herself in the mirror…she tried to see what was left of her.

After days of not feeling anything,of starving beyond consciousness,of abusive outbursts and carelessness,she realized something was wrong.I was never like this.Now she looked at her reflection.She had lost all of the little weight she had managed to put on in the last year.The only little fat remaining was on her stomach,and it still bothered her.He waist had become waif thin and her wrists were negligible.Her black vest lay loosely on her drooping shoulders and her frayed grey shorts were slipping down her diminishing waistline.She moved closer to the mirror to see her side profile.She moved even closer and saw droopy eyes drowning in a pool of dark circles staring back at her. Suddenly she realized she was a mess.But the next moment she thought that she knew that already,didn’t I?
She played with her hair that fell lightly on her forehead.She crudely twisted them around her finger,like the thoughts that were twitching in her mind.She did not realize she spent 43 minutes doing that until she saw the wall clock in the mirror and turned around to check if the mirror wasn’t lying.As she was turning around to check the time,she heard a soft knock on the door.Her left eyebrow raised in irritation almost as a reflex.He knocks now.He is afraid of me.Her mind was beaming at the thought, but it did not cross the thick layers of skin.And indeed the person on the other side of the door was afraid of the effect his concern might have on her.She cautiously moved across her room and took her copy of her favourite Milan Kundera’s novel and opened it to page 42,exactly the page that she was reading 3 weeks ago.

Her dad walked in to the room after waiting for another 30 seconds.Her dad was her only family left and probably the only person in the whole wide world that loved her.She looked up only for their eyes to meet for a second and then went back to pretending to read.She was afraid even a second more of eye contact would start a conversation.Even she had not heard her voice in three weeks and wanted the mute phase to continue.She was afraid to hear how it may sound after all these days of hauntingly soulful silence.He walked up to her,kissed her just above the forehead and left wordlessly,leaving the door ajar on purpose.She immediately got up and closed the door and returned in front of the mirror.In an instant all the anger and frustration in her melted in to tears and started flowing down like a constant stream.This was the first sign of her normality in a long time.But she did not want to be normal.She buried herself into her bed and fought back her tears.She did not intend to lose all the anger in her.She did not intend to relieve herself with the tears and go back to being herself.No,that couldn’t be it.She knew she couldn’t bear another hurt and she did not want to make herself vulnerable to it,again.She needed strength…to hold back all the emotions and feel nothing.The mirror made her vulnerable.That day,she decided to engage into an eternal war with her reflection…her conscience.That day,she became a rebel.

Going Crazy (or trying not to)

Yesterday I saw something that totally amazed me.I saw a man laugh… a man who I have known  to be an eternally angry and serious person.I saw him watching television and laugh like an innocent toddler over something that frankly wasn’t even funny.I thought to myself : has he gone crazy?

In the next instant I realised how inappropriate the thought was,and how casually the C – word is used these days, by everyone.Going crazy is actually far more big a deal than it sounds to us.It is insanity.Something that is considered to be irreversible. So really,no one around you is crazy(positively). But then, why is the word used so often? Because we all act like crazy people sometimes.Every now and then, or rarely… but surely, we all have our moments of craziness. We get tired of being the person that we want the world to think we are.Sometimes we want to surprise ourself. Sometimes it becomes a thing that just needs to be done. It is better to have some of these slips, than to bottle up the pressure that would eventually drive you crazy.

So let go all of your tensions for sometime.Surprise yourself.Sing in the office,dance in the rain,shout in a tunnel,sit silently in a corner,crack jokes on your boss(at your own expense),buy balloons for no reason,race to the mountain top,wear fancy clothes…do something out of the routine,that you always wanted to do.Let people stare,you can stare at them when it’s their turn.Be crazy in a moment than for a lifetime!