She realised nothing in her life was going according to the plan,her plan.She closed her eyes in an attempt to stop tears from rolling down.She could feel her ears heat up.She felt an uncontrollable anger towards everyone in her life.She hated the fact that when she needed someone to just be with her,no one was around. She did not need advice,or sympathy…not even apathy.She just needed someone who would hold her hand and give her a warm hug, keep her thoughtless for sometime at least.But there she was,sitting in a crowded cafe,music blasting in her ears,somewhere she was only because she had nowhere else to go. No one to go to.People around her had driven her to a situation where this odd place made her calm and at the same time she feared someone might recognise her here and start a conversation…She longed for a heart to heart conversation with a friend,but did not know who to turn to.So the idea of conversing scared her.It was all confusing for her.She wanted and feared the same things.
She had started detesting people she once loved dearly.Staying with them seemed futile.A waste of energy,time and patience.She sometimes smiled in her head when she tried to listen to what was being bombarded on her all the time.She wasn’t mocking them or laughing on them,not even in her head.It just amused her how insignificant the banter was to her and how ignorant everyone was about it,about her..her feelings,her opinion…her existence!
But it wasn’t a total waste,the bombarding.It did affect her.All the constant pressure and negative thoughts that everyone immersed her in,they did manage to depress her,every single time.And yet she cared about them at the end of the day.She did not want to hurt them by her unworldly ways and that’s why she stayed,stayed but stayed away.On a minimal interaction basis.But they did not even understand that.There was no way she behaved that would prove to be non-offensive to them. So once in a while she laughed and cracked jokes and gossiped with them,to make them feel better.And they did,but that was all that they cared about.She was never their priority,never was anyone’s.But they needed her,to keep them entertained,to do their little charades,to keep them sane.And so she did.Because when you love someone,there is no other option but to do whatever works,whatever works for them.
I do not remember feeling so happy and so free in a long time.I do not remember how I got here or where I really was,but it was in the middle of a lot of water.I’m guessing it was near some island.A little away I could see some green from a few palm tops.What I was standing on was or at least seemed like a rotating wooden deck that was attached to a motorboat.I was amazed how I was surrounded by all the near – dear ones, and how everyone seemed happy.Someone on the boat,which was to a standstill,was playing all ‘The Doors’ songs.Even though we were stationary,there was a pleasant breeze blowing.Some notorious boys on motorbike were coming near the deck and splashing water on us.Through the drops of water on my eyelashes,I could see diamond-shaped sun smiling down on us.I thought heaven must feel like this.I felt a certain sense of life in me than I had never felt before.I knew the guy I have a crush on was flirting heavily with a hot chick,and my best friend and her boyfriend,having met after so many days,instead of making out were singularly jumping in the water over and over again.But it did not affect me.I could hear the movement of water near my ears as I put my head on the brim of the deck.I could feel peace stretch from the tip of my wet hair to the brightly colored toe nails.I don’t remember if it was just moments after or if ages had passed by, but I heard a voice, almost like an echo calling out my name.It was a female voice and by the urgency and irritation in the voice I recognized it as my mom’s voice.I woke up with a start and now all I could hear was my mom’s.Everyone around seemed to be in doing the same things that they were doing before, only in mute mode. I realized I was trying to open my wide open eyes.I realized I was dreaming.The voice still seemed to call out my name from an abyss.And with a mild jerk I woke up in my room.I lay in my bed eyes still struggling to open.I could still smell water.I could still feel the tips of my hair wet.It felt unreal.Wait,my hair was really wet.I was pretty shaken because of what I saw next.Where there used to be a sofa set,now was a small water body,aligned with the edge of my bed.I do not know how the water remained in only that part of the room,as if contained by glass walls.But there was no glass.I could run my hand in the water and splash it around.It was unbelievable.Was it my imagination or had I started seeing things??I did not know if this was sane but I was excited as hell.I tried calling my mom,but somehow I just couldn’t speak loudly.I went in to the kitchen,and pulled her to water.She couldn’t see it!!!It was right there,all the smell and the noise and the water itself!!! But she couldn’t see it.I was about to cry…why wasn’t she accepting that there was water in our room!! I closed my eyes.My mom was yelling out my name again…from an abyss.Did she run away the moment I closed my eyes?I liked the darkness.I did not wanted to open my eyes.But when I did,all I saw was the pixelated version of my cushion cover print.It was just that!!!Why was I back in my bed,and suffocating myself against the cushion in a fraction of a second,and how??!I jolted out of the bed…
There was no water,
My hair was as dry as possible
And like always my toe nails were colorless.
What was that?? Yes,a dream in a dream.I have had the type before.I have had all types of dreams before.Endless fall in the infinite valley dream,losing all my teeth dream,being chased down by a giant spiked ball on a steep mountain slope dream,walking in to a room naked and being stared to embarrassment dream(I’m ALWAYS wearing skin colored clothes in these dream,stupid people just don’t get it!!!!) I always have crazy dreams,but I have never had a I-was-going-crazy dream!!! I wonder what that means…!
I can deal with being lonely,I can deal with being alone…but i can’t deal with being lonely when I’m alone!
A few years ago I, like thousands of Indian women, had faced eve teasing.It was almost 8 years ago.I was walking down a neighborhood to get to my math tutions in the afternoon.It was just one and a half kilometer walk…I used to ride my bicycle everyday…but that day I had a flat tyre.So I was walking around 2 o clock in the afternoon and a drunken man in his 40s started following me.I noticed him getting closer and closer and blabbering something.I was very naive,I did not know what to do,I kept walking…and before I knew he was closer to me than healthy distance between two pedestrians.I speed up…but he was too close.He started saying things I don’t even remember,but I was shit scared.I was searching the street but I couldn’t see anyone I could call out for help.There were 2-3 more men with him behind us.I walked faster but so did he.I went in opposite direction,but he followed.I crossed the street,he still followed.I again changed my direction,he just kept following.He again managed to get really close.He tried to touch me…by coming closer and brushing himself against me…he got hold of my hand and I, don’t know how, but I managed to push him with a jerk..and probably because he was drunk he lost his balance a bit.I ran in opposite direction and went into my school premises.I told the security person on the gate about my situation…He went outside and tried for the man…but they didn’t find him. I saw my sports teacher and immediately told him of the incidence…i was in tears.He took me to the school’s vice principal…she knew me very well having taught me in school..She comforted me and the peon dropped me home.I remember losing my sleep for the next few days…I had never until then lost my sleep over anything,but it lasted for days.I used to wake up scared in the middle of the night,and stay awake in bed for hours…After that i never walked alone on that street.It was on my everyday route to anywhere…but I never walked alone.It wasn’t that I was assaulted severely and i swore never to walk alone again or something..but it just never happened…until today.I did not have my bike.. I was walking the same road again…afternoon time,alone…and the memory of this incidence just came back to me.Today obviously I am well prepared to handle such situations…but the memory still bought a lot of bitterness.It is very sad that even today females in a developing country like India have to face this everyday.And millions of women over the world…
The incidence unknowingly has scarred the image of middle-aged men in my mind for ever.I always find all the uncle type men who look at me on the street to be perverts.May be not all of them stare at women,but I always give them the evil eye…I will always find them to be perverts.
Every female who has faced eve teasing in her life must have gone through some such change in her psychology…which is such a shame! People show such amazing apathy to these socially relevant matter..it truly embarrassing!But what is more saddening is that these things,despite of all the education and the culture,still keep happening in my own country!!!I am a patriot…I love my country…and i hope against hope,that someday the streets will be safe for women at every hour of the day!
For all those people who believe that the world is a better place than what it was,that if we keep faith in good things,good things will happen to us,that if be good to people,they will be good back to us…well,I welcome you to a real world you must open your eyes to!w
Stealing is a bad thing…yet there are so many thieves making a living out of stolen goods…healthy people,who can take up any small job if they want to…but no,there is a lot of evil in the minds of people…. malicious evil people.I realize this because I became a victim of such stealing today.I was just this person like you who believed that if we believe in good,there is good!! But damn…I feel so so ignorant today…but more than anything else I feel anger…I just feel this burning sensation running through my veins ..and I don’t know what to do…I feel completely helpless…I close my eyes and see myself trashing plastic bottles,shattering glass vases,picking up random guy walking on the street by his collar and slapping him hard,I feel like strangling any person that I can lay my hands on….and then I have to open my eyes,and the only thing I can do to vent out my anger is to write…! I feel my eyes glistening over anger…over my helplessness .
For all those people who are living in a bubble like me…a fair warning: it’s a bad bad world out there,better set your guards up!!!
Yesterday morning I went to do some house hunting for a friend and came back after 5 o’ clock. I was terribly tired, and also for some reason was nursing a bad mood…All i wanted to do was lie down peacefully and read a book,that I had been wanting to read since morning. But peace is something you hardly get at my house.My mom and my sister are legendary when it comes to arguments.They could beat Tom and Jerry in this fighting thing. Sometimes I really can’t take it…and anger shoots up my in head…but I knew nothing I do or say is going to stop this argument.
So I simply picked up my book,changed in to my comfy everyday denim,took a sachet, filled it with the book,my doodle pad and my Lamy and left…and went to the nearest descent cafe(which is anything but near,my area has no nice place), ordered my regular, a mocha, and took out my book…The place was filled with the smell of freshly brewed coffee…and it was oddly comforting….as if nothing in the world can ever go wrong. I was at ease, free from everything in my mind and within a few seconds was deeply engrossed in the book.After a few minutes,I felt this vibe…negative vibe from somewhere…I could feel eyes on me….I tried to ignore it, thought I must be imagining things.But when my coffee was served,I looked up just for a moment…and there he was,some random guy…with his girl and yet with his frog life bulging eyes, staring at me…!I looked at him with narrowing eyes and he tilted his face in such a way that the girl(oh poor girl) that he was with thought he was listening to her and yet from the corner of his eye he could see me…And all my concentration went down the drain. I did not know why he was looking at me.Was it odd for him that I was alone and reading a book?Or was it simply because I was this young(I’m sure he misjudged my age) girl all alone.Oh I don’t know why…but why the hell!!! It was just highly frustrating! I tried going back to the book,but his annoying head jerks and snorty laughter keep diverting my attention. I really hate that girls still have to endure this…he was getting on my nerves.I put down my book and took a long sip of my coffee while fixing my eyes on him.He became uncomfortable,and his bulging eyeballs rolled swiftly to other direction.Hah,I thought…the ball was in my court now.I kept my cup down,my gaze fixed on him.He shifted awkwardly in his chair.Lets give him a taste of what lies at the receiving end I thought! I took out my doodle pad and my pen.And smirked like pure evil.I looked at him and started scribbling in the pad…and kept looking at him from time to time with unnecessary exaggerated head jerks.He probably thought i was making a caricature of him(nah,i wasn’t.I don’t have enough talent to do that)I felt like a sadist…but who cares what they will call me…I was really getting this immense satisfaction! He was way too uncomfortable,and was eating rapidly.I think he wanted to get out of my glaring stare.I kept at it.I think it was only a couple of minutes,but he hadn’t dared to look at me even to check if i was staring at him.I let a loud giggle slip out of my mouth and his girl noticed that something that was causing unrest to the guy was me…! I felt horrible,because i think she thought i was hitting on him or something.Ya,right!But,within two more minutes, they paid the check and went off…!A real smile broke on my lips,i quickly ordered another coffee and went back to my book…peace at last!!!
I feel foolish today…and a little selfish too…how could I runt over the lack of love in my life…when the person who loves me the most has always been right next to me…and needing me??? How could I have given a great deal of importance to something I don’t have and completely ignored the most valuable thing in my life…? I realize now how trivial my issues are…when I see this person in front of me.
No one’s life is perfect, no one gets everything that they wish for, and nobody’s every dream comes true…SO WHAT?? I know I have two choices…to keep grumbling about what I couldn’t have or just put it in the past and value and nurture what I have been blessed with. And I chose to be happy…in all the love that I have ever received. I should be grateful to the person who has always stood by me, and pulled me out of deep troubles. So what if the person has been throwing you off for a little while…it’s just superficial….or all in my mind I guess. And as a matter of fact I am grateful…but I just need to manifest it better. And be a bit more responsible.
So I make a choice today…to burry all my issues, to put the past in its righteous place with no resentment…leave all my personal problems to rest in peace…and live life happily!!!