She knew she was facing her first love, as she stood a valley across from the snow clad mountains. A river swiftly flowed between rounded white boulders, a few meters below her feet, as she stood on the edge of the mountain.
The scene in front of her eyes transported her eight years back. When she was in a similar place, in much simpler times.
She couldn’t help but reminisce about her life back then:
She was a happy soul.
She hadn’t yet realised the permanence of dysfunction in her family.
She did not worry about a thing, but cared about everything.
She was not in love with anyone particular, but did love everyone in her life.
She was surrounded by her closest friends, who cared.
All her loved ones loved her back. And shared their lives with her.
She had a plan for her near future.
She had no idea how fucked up relationships could be.
She was unaware of what life had in store of her…
To break her train of thoughts, she consciously moved her gaze away from the snowy peaks and turned right. And there he was standing patiently for her to finish her coffee. Small beady eyes resonating innocence , he smiled as he noticed her shift in gaze, running down his hand through his silky smooth hair. It had been a long long time since she met someone so sensitive and considerate of others. He reminded her of her past self. Spending time with him encouraged her to be that person again. Or even better. He was a better person than she had ever managed to be.
Maybe the magic was in the place. How could anyone not be the best version of themselves in this utopia?
‘Sorry’, she said out loud to him. ‘I was a little too mesmerized by the sight.’
‘Take all the time you need.’, he replied courteously.
She beamed as he had said the exact same thing for her every earlier stop as well.
‘ No. I’m done. Take me directly to the snow now.’ She said.
‘ Take me back to that heavenly snow.’
She looked at herself in the mirror…she tried to see what was left of her.
After days of not feeling anything,of starving beyond consciousness,of abusive outbursts and carelessness,she realized something was wrong.I was never like this.Now she looked at her reflection.She had lost all of the little weight she had managed to put on in the last year.The only little fat remaining was on her stomach,and it still bothered her.He waist had become waif thin and her wrists were negligible.Her black vest lay loosely on her drooping shoulders and her frayed grey shorts were slipping down her diminishing waistline.She moved closer to the mirror to see her side profile.She moved even closer and saw droopy eyes drowning in a pool of dark circles staring back at her. Suddenly she realized she was a mess.But the next moment she thought that she knew that already,didn’t I?
She played with her hair that fell lightly on her forehead.She crudely twisted them around her finger,like the thoughts that were twitching in her mind.She did not realize she spent 43 minutes doing that until she saw the wall clock in the mirror and turned around to check if the mirror wasn’t lying.As she was turning around to check the time,she heard a soft knock on the door.Her left eyebrow raised in irritation almost as a reflex.He knocks now.He is afraid of me.Her mind was beaming at the thought, but it did not cross the thick layers of skin.And indeed the person on the other side of the door was afraid of the effect his concern might have on her.She cautiously moved across her room and took her copy of her favourite Milan Kundera’s novel and opened it to page 42,exactly the page that she was reading 3 weeks ago.
Her dad walked in to the room after waiting for another 30 seconds.Her dad was her only family left and probably the only person in the whole wide world that loved her.She looked up only for their eyes to meet for a second and then went back to pretending to read.She was afraid even a second more of eye contact would start a conversation.Even she had not heard her voice in three weeks and wanted the mute phase to continue.She was afraid to hear how it may sound after all these days of hauntingly soulful silence.He walked up to her,kissed her just above the forehead and left wordlessly,leaving the door ajar on purpose.She immediately got up and closed the door and returned in front of the mirror.In an instant all the anger and frustration in her melted in to tears and started flowing down like a constant stream.This was the first sign of her normality in a long time.But she did not want to be normal.She buried herself into her bed and fought back her tears.She did not intend to lose all the anger in her.She did not intend to relieve herself with the tears and go back to being herself.No,that couldn’t be it.She knew she couldn’t bear another hurt and she did not want to make herself vulnerable to it,again.She needed strength…to hold back all the emotions and feel nothing.The mirror made her vulnerable.That day,she decided to engage into an eternal war with her reflection…her conscience.That day,she became a rebel.
Yesterday I saw something that totally amazed me.I saw a man laugh… a man who I have known to be an eternally angry and serious person.I saw him watching television and laugh like an innocent toddler over something that frankly wasn’t even funny.I thought to myself : has he gonecrazy?
In the next instant I realised how inappropriate the thought was,and how casually the C – word is used these days, by everyone.Going crazy is actually far more big a deal than it sounds to us.It is insanity.Something that is considered to be irreversible. So really,no one around you is crazy(positively). But then, why is the word used so often? Because we all act like crazy people sometimes.Every now and then, or rarely… but surely, we all have our moments of craziness. We get tired of being the person that we want the world to think we are.Sometimes we want to surprise ourself. Sometimes it becomes a thing that just needs to be done. It is better to have some of these slips, than to bottle up the pressure that would eventually drive you crazy.
So let go all of your tensions for sometime.Surprise yourself.Sing in the office,dance in the rain,shout in a tunnel,sit silently in a corner,crack jokes on your boss(at your own expense),buy balloons for no reason,race to the mountain top,wear fancy clothes…do something out of the routine,that you always wanted to do.Let people stare,you can stare at them when it’s their turn.Be crazy in a moment than for a lifetime!
Today i was doing a few sketches and i realized how rarely I do this…When i completed it,and was staring at it to find flaws…i just realized i had a feeling of accomplishment! I had been wanting to do these message typos on recycled paper for ages now…The paper bags had been peeping out from the corner for almost a month…dying to be picked up,and used.Finally i did it! (photos coming up soon!)
I realized I want to do so many things..and i might be left with so little time.As of now I have no real responsibilities,no commitments, no appointments, no household work to do…nothing.I’m absolutely in a free-at-will phase! Except for the 9-6 job…I’m so so free to do everything I always wanted to do!
So today I have decided…everyday I am going to do something that I always wanted to do!Not just till this phase lasts…but for a lifetime! Because you never know how much time you are left with…I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed and thinking of all the things that I wish I could have done..or had gotten time to do…I realize that I have already wasted so much as till today…(OK,not entirely…I have done a few things in life) But i just want to live my life..and be happy and content with every minute I am alive! Are you living your life every moment??
P.S: Sometimes you sudden feel uneasy,when bad things are happening around you…and you feel like your time is up,suddenly,for no reason, your heartbeats increase,you think you are going to die…and thoughts like these crop up in your mind!!