Tag Archives: relationships



You ask the thin air, you ask the hazy smoke.

You ask the distant stars, and beyond them, that bloke.


You think hard and long,

All those sleepless nights.

The unheard apologies, the unsaid goodbyes;

And you don’t even know why.


Your eyes are sore, your stomach hungry,

your body is aching and heart still broken.

The ice-cold eyes still render you speechless,

and you can’t even utter that single worded question…


You think you are ready, strong enough to know.

But the other side of why is always the harder blow.

No amount of hurt could prepare you for the answer,

And once you know, it can never be undone.


Why do you really want to know why?

Does it matter now?

Does it change anything anyway?

Does it relieve the pain?


Sometimes these questions are best left unanswered.

For the fear of unknown is better than the unending pain on the other side of



Short story : The other side

(This was written for a short story competition.The theme for the competition was ‘strange love’. )


It was unusually cold for a June night. But it was nothing compared to the chill he felt inside. As he shuffled with his messed up hair that fell lightly on his forehead, and the even messier thoughts inside his head, he looked up in the sky. They used to talk about the moonlight. But the crescent moon did not manage to light up his heart today. Everything in front of him was pitching black. His insides were even darker. He tried finding constellations in the million little stars above to block the image that flashed in front of him every time he blinked. He put his i-pod on full blast playing the happiest songs on his list. He tried concentrating on the blinking street lamp at the end of the boulevard that led to his house. He tried everything possible to block his mind. But standing six floors above ground, in the balcony of his old house, there was nothing he could do to stop the image from haunting him. Thinking about it, he sensed his eyes were glistening, again. Was it because of the sorrow that he had lost a beautiful, poised ,witty girl forever, or was it only from the effort of trying not to blink, he could not decide. But least, the tears confirmed he wasn’t dreaming. He wasn’t dreaming earlier in the night too, when he had entered his favorite club, and glancing on the dance floor on his right, had seen Meera with her beautiful long wavy brown hair swaying sensuously on the dance floor with Trisha. He was surprised to see her there, and in that moment, he had felt an insane amount of attraction towards Meera. Why had he pushed her out of his life…he suddenly appeared unreasonable to himself. He tried making sense to himself of this never felt before emotion that he seemed to be full of right now. Was it remorse, resent, longing to be loved or loneliness? He shook his head, smirked at himself in his trademark righteous attitude and went straight ahead to the bar counter, ordered drinks for his guys and settled in the nearest table on left, from where the dance floor was still visible. Since a few days, he had noticed, Meera had found a savior in Trisha. He felt no doubt that it must have been Trisha’s idea to drink up the sorrow, in quite a literal manner. He gulped his beer and continued watching Meera. But as soon as the DJ shifted gears from the pounding racy music to a more melodic tune, and the flashy swaying multicolored lights settled in a steady blue ambient light, Meera  signaled Trisha to the bar counter, and she went back to their table, while Trisha ordered a fresh round of drinks. As Meera sat at the table, she caught Arjun’s gaze. He remembered being surprised that his presence in the same room had not affected her even a bit. She had just blinked and looked away. He tried reminding himself that he did not care for her anymore. He had declared that she was just a mediocre girl who no longer deserved that special place in his life. Thinking this to himself in the club, his heart sank. He only realized now what he had done a few weeks ago. Trying to concentrate on his froth-less beer, he confessed to himself that he would never find a girl like her. Could he do anything to fix this? His train of thoughts was interrupted by a sudden cheer from the guys on the next table. As he followed their gaze, and saw what they saw, his heart twisted violently inside his chest. His knees were suddenly weak and contrary to the smoldering image he had created around himself, a teardrop had rolled down his fluttering eyes. His forehead shone with a film of perspiration. He reached involuntarily between his unkempt hair to wipe it clear. Out of the corner of his watery eyes, he looked at his friends. They were frozen jaw dropped in a stunned expression.  It had been three hours since then, but his legs still felt weak, and the image that shocked him kept projecting in front of his eyes constantly. Peeling the rust flakes off his balcony railing, at 2.47 am, he finally caved in and broke in to steady whimpering cry.

Around same time, a few miles away, Meera stirred to her senses with an uneasy feeling. She blinked her deep brown eyes a couple of times and opened them with a little buzz in her head. She realised she wasn’t in her room, but it wasn’t an unknown territory. Trisha’s studio apartment had been an abode for her lately. She had almost camped here for a week now. She tied her hair up in a tight bun and got out of bed for making some coffee. She almost stumbled over while stepping down to the living room. Glancing at the innumerable movie DVDs lying on the parquet flooring in front of the TV that occupied most of the living room, she went to the kitchenette on her right and put the pot on the coffee maker. She went back to the living area and cleared the floor wondering how many movies had Trisha watched in her entire life. Just in her knowing of a few days, she had dragged Meera to the cinema five times, and to numerous places she had never been before.  As she went back to the pot, and watched the dark brown liquid turn into boiling black, her thoughts invariably flew to Arjun. It had been 23 days now, but it still felt like yesterday. He had bluntly cut her out of his life. You are a drama queen Meera, I can’t deal with you. And I had never really wanted to take a step forward with you. It never meant anything to me. It was all just in your imagination. Leave me alone now. And you better come out of your imagination bubble. Not that it matters to me, as long as you stay away. Just in a moment, he had declared her a freak, a fool. Even the memory of it felt like a hundred ice-cold daggers jabbing mercilessly at her heart. She had told him that she loved him more than anyone and begged him to reconsider, but he had just smirked, and left. She remembered suddenly seeing him in the club yesterday. She felt proud of herself for being strong in front of him. She poured the black coffee in her adopted mug and went back to bed. This time she remembered to step up. As she pulled the rug over her legs, she saw the reason why she had been so strong earlier in the night. Trisha’s ivory skin was shining translucent even in the meager moonlight that filtered in the room through the French window in front of their bed. The last eighteen days of her life were filled with the charming effervescence that Trisha was. She had not only managed to keep Meera’s thoughts away from Arjun, but had also put her in a perpetually happy state of mind. Meera was strongly against the cliché that two girls cannot be best of friends. She had had many close girl friends throughout her life, but none like Trisha. Trisha was new to the college and within the first couple of day had earned a reputation for herself. But Trisha cared a damn about what was happening around her. It was all about living the moment, she said to Meera, when she had noticed how the guy who used to always be by her side had disappeared. Trisha had silently taken the responsibility of making Meera happy that day and had welcomed her with open arms into her friendship. To Meera, she seemed like a river in full swing, full of vigor and passion for life. Enchanted, Meera had just let herself in her flow. She was deeply shocked when Trisha had revealed after a week that she was gay. Meera had not let it affect their friendship and was in fact touched by the confidence in Trisha’s revelation. She was charmed by her chilled out attitude and independence.  Now as she remembered last night’s revelry, she felt herself smile after almost a month, in a sober condition. She remembered the euphoria of liberating happiness it was to be with Trisha. She remembered feeling tremendously attracted to her as they had danced carelessly in the club. She loved Trisha’s silky auburn hair. She remembered thinking of that moment to be the happiest one in her life. As she had nodded her to bring more drinks, she realized Trisha meant the world to her. She was a savior, a true friend, the most ideal companion. Reaching out to Trisha had seemed like the thing to do then. Without thinking twice, as Trisha kept their glasses on the table, Meera had grabbed her and kissed her passionately. She remembered a mild uproar but only in the background. What she experienced inside was multitudes greater. Her eyes were filled with the image of a beaming girl who had leaned back to give her a warm hug. Trisha’s happiness had reflected in her eyes and for once, made her speechless. Meera did not remember making anyone so happy. It felt perfect.  Sitting in her bed, back to her senses, she did not feel even a bit of regret. She did not remember seeing Arjun again. Probably, he has driven me to this. But I’ll only be thankful for it. She knew nothing mattered anymore. She had made her choice, it was only for her to decide after all. And she had made her decision…to stay away from all the hurt, to be truly and unconditionally happy. To be with someone who made her happy. No more games, no more complications. She put down the half drunk coffee on the side table, rolled over to the other side, put her arm across Trisha and fell back to sleep.

Whatever works

She realised nothing in her life was going according to the plan,her plan.She closed her eyes in an attempt to stop tears from rolling down.She could feel her ears heat up.She felt an uncontrollable anger towards everyone in her life.She hated the fact that when she needed someone to just be with her,no one was around. She did not need advice,or sympathy…not even apathy.She just needed someone who would hold her hand and give her a warm hug, keep her thoughtless for sometime at least.But there she was,sitting in a crowded cafe,music blasting in her ears,somewhere she was only because she had nowhere else to go. No one to go to.People around her had driven her to a situation where this odd place made her calm and at the same time she feared someone might recognise her here and start a conversation…She longed for a heart to heart conversation with a friend,but did not know who to turn to.So the idea of conversing scared her.It was all confusing for her.She wanted and feared the same things.
She had started detesting people she once loved dearly.Staying with them seemed futile.A waste of energy,time and patience.She sometimes smiled in her head when she tried to listen to what was being bombarded on her all the time.She wasn’t mocking them or laughing on them,not even in her head.It just amused her how insignificant the banter was to her and how ignorant everyone was about it,about her..her feelings,her opinion…her existence!
But it wasn’t a total waste,the bombarding.It did affect her.All the constant pressure and negative thoughts that everyone immersed her in,they did manage to depress her,every single time.And yet she cared about them at the end of the day.She did not want to hurt them by her unworldly ways and that’s why she stayed,stayed but stayed away.On a minimal interaction basis.But they did not even understand that.There was no way she behaved that would prove to be non-offensive to them. So once in a while she laughed and cracked jokes and gossiped with them,to make them feel better.And they did,but that was all that they cared about.She was never their priority,never was anyone’s.But they needed her,to keep them entertained,to do their little charades,to keep them sane.And so she did.Because when you love someone,there is no other option but to do whatever works,whatever works for them.

Steel Knife in My Wind Pipe…

Goodbye is the hardest word to say…especially when you are saying it to someone who means the world to you..whom you love with all your heart and who loves you back even more.

I still can’t come to terms with the fact that I don’t know when I will see you next…but definitely not in at least a year!!A year….without you it will seem like a decade.I will miss you every time I eat a chocolate…I don’t even know if I will feel like eating it without you…oh,i will just miss you so much.I will miss our random but crucially timed meetings…i miss you so much already!

I tried to be strong all these days…trying to convince that things won’t change…but I know you will be gone way too far…and yesterday i just broke down.I can’t eat and can’t even breathe since then…I just don’t know how I will survive without my powerhouse!

With you gone,it will be just me..my cup of coffee,and our memories.I hope nothing changes..and i know it won’t,but it won’t be the same…I know you will always be eager to hear whats happening in my life…but i won’t be able to hold our hand while doing that..and your hugs…i will miss them more than anything else.Because with us,the hugs always did the speaking…i will be all alone now.

I don’t know how things will work out between us,how we manage to keep in touch…but I hope that you get the things you have been craving for.I know you worry for me…but here I am,I can’t stop praying and hoping for things to work out for you.Nothing matters to me more than you fulfilling your dreams.

I will keep my promise of being safe while you are gone..to meet you back in one piece…body and heart,and you promise me to be happy…just plain right happy!!!!


I feel foolish today…and a little selfish too…how could I runt over the lack of love in my life…when the person who loves me the most has always been right next to me…and needing me??? How could I have given a great deal of importance to something I don’t have and completely ignored the most valuable thing in my life…? I realize now how trivial my issues are…when I see this person in front of me.
No one’s life is perfect, no one gets everything that they wish for, and nobody’s every dream comes true…SO WHAT?? I know I have two choices…to keep grumbling about what I couldn’t have or just put it in the past and value and nurture what I have been blessed with. And I chose to be happy…in all the love that I have ever received. I should be grateful to the person who has always stood by me, and pulled me out of deep troubles. So what if the person has been throwing you off for a little while…it’s just superficial….or all in my mind I guess. And as a matter of fact I am grateful…but I just need to manifest it better. And be a bit more responsible.
So I make a choice today…to burry all my issues, to put the past in its righteous place with no resentment…leave all my personal problems to rest in peace…and live life happily!!!

Some Connection…

I know a person (say A) that I really know nothing about…but sometimes I feel like we have known each other for ages!!!! Sometimes when we talk there are long pauses,we seem to be lost for words,but sometimes we can talk for hours.Sometimes I’m afraid to look A in the eye, because I’m afraid the pair of eyes will see through my soul…The other day when we both were out with a third friend,and they were engrossed in a conversation…i drifted away…and A just stopped and asked me if I had some things worrying me…!A looked at me with searching eyes,filled with care.

There’s definitely a cosmic connection between us,or something like that.Sometimes it’s really difficult to define these relations…and they are better left unnamed too…but they need to be nurtured and valued…these connections give you special immeasurable happiness!