Tag Archives: misc

Back to the snow.

She knew she was facing her first love, as she stood a valley across from the snow clad mountains. A river swiftly flowed between rounded white boulders, a few meters below her feet, as she stood on the edge of the mountain.
The scene in front of her eyes transported her eight years back. When she was in a similar place, in much simpler times.
She couldn’t help but reminisce about her life back then:
She was a happy soul.
She hadn’t yet realised the permanence of dysfunction in her family.
She did not worry about a thing, but cared about everything.
She was not in love with anyone particular, but did love everyone in her life.
She was surrounded by her closest friends, who cared.
All her loved ones loved her back. And shared their lives with her.
She had a plan for her near future.
She had no idea how fucked up relationships could be.
She was unaware of what life had in store of her…
To break her train of thoughts, she consciously moved her gaze away from the snowy peaks and turned right. And there he was standing patiently for her to finish her coffee. Small beady eyes resonating innocence , he smiled as he noticed her shift in gaze, running down his hand through his silky smooth hair. It had been a long long time since she met someone so sensitive and considerate of others. He reminded her of her past self. Spending time with him encouraged her to be that person again. Or even better. He was a better person than she had ever managed to be.
Maybe the magic was in the place. How could anyone not be the best version of themselves in this utopia?
‘Sorry’, she said out loud to him. ‘I was a little too mesmerized by the sight.’
‘Take all the time you need.’, he replied courteously.
She beamed as he had said the exact same thing for her every earlier stop as well.
‘ No. I’m done. Take me directly to the snow now.’ She said.
‘ Take me back to that heavenly snow.’

Sikkim, India
Sikkim, India
Advertisements

Why?

WHY?

You ask the thin air, you ask the hazy smoke.

You ask the distant stars, and beyond them, that bloke.

Why?

You think hard and long,

All those sleepless nights.

The unheard apologies, the unsaid goodbyes;

And you don’t even know why.

Why?

Your eyes are sore, your stomach hungry,

your body is aching and heart still broken.

The ice-cold eyes still render you speechless,

and you can’t even utter that single worded question…

Why?

You think you are ready, strong enough to know.

But the other side of why is always the harder blow.

No amount of hurt could prepare you for the answer,

And once you know, it can never be undone.

Why?

Why do you really want to know why?

Does it matter now?

Does it change anything anyway?

Does it relieve the pain?

Why?

Sometimes these questions are best left unanswered.

For the fear of unknown is better than the unending pain on the other side of

WHY?

The untimely rain

I knew there was a hurricane in some unrelated-to-me part of the world. But I hadn’t expected it to affect me. As I walked down the road, unsuspecting,unprepared… it rained on me. I could see the road ahead of me was getting dark and the rain was only getting heavier. I tried finding rhyme in the shower,to make my journey tolerable. But I couldn’t! The sudden screeching lighting scared the shit out of me for a second. But I realised it also helped me see my path. Even though I have always been scared of lightning, since childhood, I knew it was my only saviour right now. There was no point in fighting it. I had to befriend my enemy, grow over my fear and see the other side of this coin.
As the heavy raindrops continued hitting my drenched hair, my fingers started getting numb. Another lightning, and I knew that I was half way there. Already? Not bad, I thought to myself.
I suddenly started enjoying the rain. Kicking the small puddles along the curb, I finally found the rhythm in the rain. And strength in the lightning.
No matter what time in the year,what phase in your life,the untimely rain will always try to boggle you down. The challenge is, not always being prepared for the rain; what is life if you are over cautious after all? The challenge is dealing with the rain. Never mind if you get drenched,let yourself be poured upon by life. The challenge, and the beauty is, continuing on your journey,no matter what. The challenge is enjoying the journey,no matter what. And emerging stronger, every single time.

Short story : The other side

(This was written for a short story competition.The theme for the competition was ‘strange love’. )

THE OTHER SIDE

It was unusually cold for a June night. But it was nothing compared to the chill he felt inside. As he shuffled with his messed up hair that fell lightly on his forehead, and the even messier thoughts inside his head, he looked up in the sky. They used to talk about the moonlight. But the crescent moon did not manage to light up his heart today. Everything in front of him was pitching black. His insides were even darker. He tried finding constellations in the million little stars above to block the image that flashed in front of him every time he blinked. He put his i-pod on full blast playing the happiest songs on his list. He tried concentrating on the blinking street lamp at the end of the boulevard that led to his house. He tried everything possible to block his mind. But standing six floors above ground, in the balcony of his old house, there was nothing he could do to stop the image from haunting him. Thinking about it, he sensed his eyes were glistening, again. Was it because of the sorrow that he had lost a beautiful, poised ,witty girl forever, or was it only from the effort of trying not to blink, he could not decide. But least, the tears confirmed he wasn’t dreaming. He wasn’t dreaming earlier in the night too, when he had entered his favorite club, and glancing on the dance floor on his right, had seen Meera with her beautiful long wavy brown hair swaying sensuously on the dance floor with Trisha. He was surprised to see her there, and in that moment, he had felt an insane amount of attraction towards Meera. Why had he pushed her out of his life…he suddenly appeared unreasonable to himself. He tried making sense to himself of this never felt before emotion that he seemed to be full of right now. Was it remorse, resent, longing to be loved or loneliness? He shook his head, smirked at himself in his trademark righteous attitude and went straight ahead to the bar counter, ordered drinks for his guys and settled in the nearest table on left, from where the dance floor was still visible. Since a few days, he had noticed, Meera had found a savior in Trisha. He felt no doubt that it must have been Trisha’s idea to drink up the sorrow, in quite a literal manner. He gulped his beer and continued watching Meera. But as soon as the DJ shifted gears from the pounding racy music to a more melodic tune, and the flashy swaying multicolored lights settled in a steady blue ambient light, Meera  signaled Trisha to the bar counter, and she went back to their table, while Trisha ordered a fresh round of drinks. As Meera sat at the table, she caught Arjun’s gaze. He remembered being surprised that his presence in the same room had not affected her even a bit. She had just blinked and looked away. He tried reminding himself that he did not care for her anymore. He had declared that she was just a mediocre girl who no longer deserved that special place in his life. Thinking this to himself in the club, his heart sank. He only realized now what he had done a few weeks ago. Trying to concentrate on his froth-less beer, he confessed to himself that he would never find a girl like her. Could he do anything to fix this? His train of thoughts was interrupted by a sudden cheer from the guys on the next table. As he followed their gaze, and saw what they saw, his heart twisted violently inside his chest. His knees were suddenly weak and contrary to the smoldering image he had created around himself, a teardrop had rolled down his fluttering eyes. His forehead shone with a film of perspiration. He reached involuntarily between his unkempt hair to wipe it clear. Out of the corner of his watery eyes, he looked at his friends. They were frozen jaw dropped in a stunned expression.  It had been three hours since then, but his legs still felt weak, and the image that shocked him kept projecting in front of his eyes constantly. Peeling the rust flakes off his balcony railing, at 2.47 am, he finally caved in and broke in to steady whimpering cry.

Around same time, a few miles away, Meera stirred to her senses with an uneasy feeling. She blinked her deep brown eyes a couple of times and opened them with a little buzz in her head. She realised she wasn’t in her room, but it wasn’t an unknown territory. Trisha’s studio apartment had been an abode for her lately. She had almost camped here for a week now. She tied her hair up in a tight bun and got out of bed for making some coffee. She almost stumbled over while stepping down to the living room. Glancing at the innumerable movie DVDs lying on the parquet flooring in front of the TV that occupied most of the living room, she went to the kitchenette on her right and put the pot on the coffee maker. She went back to the living area and cleared the floor wondering how many movies had Trisha watched in her entire life. Just in her knowing of a few days, she had dragged Meera to the cinema five times, and to numerous places she had never been before.  As she went back to the pot, and watched the dark brown liquid turn into boiling black, her thoughts invariably flew to Arjun. It had been 23 days now, but it still felt like yesterday. He had bluntly cut her out of his life. You are a drama queen Meera, I can’t deal with you. And I had never really wanted to take a step forward with you. It never meant anything to me. It was all just in your imagination. Leave me alone now. And you better come out of your imagination bubble. Not that it matters to me, as long as you stay away. Just in a moment, he had declared her a freak, a fool. Even the memory of it felt like a hundred ice-cold daggers jabbing mercilessly at her heart. She had told him that she loved him more than anyone and begged him to reconsider, but he had just smirked, and left. She remembered suddenly seeing him in the club yesterday. She felt proud of herself for being strong in front of him. She poured the black coffee in her adopted mug and went back to bed. This time she remembered to step up. As she pulled the rug over her legs, she saw the reason why she had been so strong earlier in the night. Trisha’s ivory skin was shining translucent even in the meager moonlight that filtered in the room through the French window in front of their bed. The last eighteen days of her life were filled with the charming effervescence that Trisha was. She had not only managed to keep Meera’s thoughts away from Arjun, but had also put her in a perpetually happy state of mind. Meera was strongly against the cliché that two girls cannot be best of friends. She had had many close girl friends throughout her life, but none like Trisha. Trisha was new to the college and within the first couple of day had earned a reputation for herself. But Trisha cared a damn about what was happening around her. It was all about living the moment, she said to Meera, when she had noticed how the guy who used to always be by her side had disappeared. Trisha had silently taken the responsibility of making Meera happy that day and had welcomed her with open arms into her friendship. To Meera, she seemed like a river in full swing, full of vigor and passion for life. Enchanted, Meera had just let herself in her flow. She was deeply shocked when Trisha had revealed after a week that she was gay. Meera had not let it affect their friendship and was in fact touched by the confidence in Trisha’s revelation. She was charmed by her chilled out attitude and independence.  Now as she remembered last night’s revelry, she felt herself smile after almost a month, in a sober condition. She remembered the euphoria of liberating happiness it was to be with Trisha. She remembered feeling tremendously attracted to her as they had danced carelessly in the club. She loved Trisha’s silky auburn hair. She remembered thinking of that moment to be the happiest one in her life. As she had nodded her to bring more drinks, she realized Trisha meant the world to her. She was a savior, a true friend, the most ideal companion. Reaching out to Trisha had seemed like the thing to do then. Without thinking twice, as Trisha kept their glasses on the table, Meera had grabbed her and kissed her passionately. She remembered a mild uproar but only in the background. What she experienced inside was multitudes greater. Her eyes were filled with the image of a beaming girl who had leaned back to give her a warm hug. Trisha’s happiness had reflected in her eyes and for once, made her speechless. Meera did not remember making anyone so happy. It felt perfect.  Sitting in her bed, back to her senses, she did not feel even a bit of regret. She did not remember seeing Arjun again. Probably, he has driven me to this. But I’ll only be thankful for it. She knew nothing mattered anymore. She had made her choice, it was only for her to decide after all. And she had made her decision…to stay away from all the hurt, to be truly and unconditionally happy. To be with someone who made her happy. No more games, no more complications. She put down the half drunk coffee on the side table, rolled over to the other side, put her arm across Trisha and fell back to sleep.

Golden hope

Since childhood, she had been always fascinated with tunnels.But unlike others, the fascination did not wear off with childhood. As a child, the darkness scared and excited her in strange way. Acting like day had turned into night in a wink and back to day just as quickly became one of the things she looked forward to in any travel.As she grew up,her fear turned into admiration and wonder, as to how man had managed to carve out this void into mammoth of a mountain. Even when that mystery was solved,the tunnels remained enigmatic to her.The amber coloured lights flooding the tunnels made her feel magical  They were like charming small suns minus the harsh heat.They made her smile and filled her with unrealistic optimism, as if this were the moment when all the darkness in her life was to be lit up with beaming golden hope.When the lights bounced on her whitish skin,she felt beautiful,like the light was washing away all the ugliness in her, mending all the blemishes..leaving just purity. She did not know what it was about them,they were just ordinary lights after all. But it wasn’t about the fixtures, or the colour of the light,but the idea of something bright piercing the monstrous darkness,making everything in the journey visible,clear and uncomplicated…it was this idea of darkness being slain to reveal beauty that was always the core of her fascination.It inspired her in to believing that we can overcome every difficulty,every frightening thing can be fought. It was always about hope, golden hope.

DSC05757

 

Fighting Mirrors

She looked at herself in the mirror…she tried to see what was left of her.

After days of not feeling anything,of starving beyond consciousness,of abusive outbursts and carelessness,she realized something was wrong.I was never like this.Now she looked at her reflection.She had lost all of the little weight she had managed to put on in the last year.The only little fat remaining was on her stomach,and it still bothered her.He waist had become waif thin and her wrists were negligible.Her black vest lay loosely on her drooping shoulders and her frayed grey shorts were slipping down her diminishing waistline.She moved closer to the mirror to see her side profile.She moved even closer and saw droopy eyes drowning in a pool of dark circles staring back at her. Suddenly she realized she was a mess.But the next moment she thought that she knew that already,didn’t I?
She played with her hair that fell lightly on her forehead.She crudely twisted them around her finger,like the thoughts that were twitching in her mind.She did not realize she spent 43 minutes doing that until she saw the wall clock in the mirror and turned around to check if the mirror wasn’t lying.As she was turning around to check the time,she heard a soft knock on the door.Her left eyebrow raised in irritation almost as a reflex.He knocks now.He is afraid of me.Her mind was beaming at the thought, but it did not cross the thick layers of skin.And indeed the person on the other side of the door was afraid of the effect his concern might have on her.She cautiously moved across her room and took her copy of her favourite Milan Kundera’s novel and opened it to page 42,exactly the page that she was reading 3 weeks ago.

Her dad walked in to the room after waiting for another 30 seconds.Her dad was her only family left and probably the only person in the whole wide world that loved her.She looked up only for their eyes to meet for a second and then went back to pretending to read.She was afraid even a second more of eye contact would start a conversation.Even she had not heard her voice in three weeks and wanted the mute phase to continue.She was afraid to hear how it may sound after all these days of hauntingly soulful silence.He walked up to her,kissed her just above the forehead and left wordlessly,leaving the door ajar on purpose.She immediately got up and closed the door and returned in front of the mirror.In an instant all the anger and frustration in her melted in to tears and started flowing down like a constant stream.This was the first sign of her normality in a long time.But she did not want to be normal.She buried herself into her bed and fought back her tears.She did not intend to lose all the anger in her.She did not intend to relieve herself with the tears and go back to being herself.No,that couldn’t be it.She knew she couldn’t bear another hurt and she did not want to make herself vulnerable to it,again.She needed strength…to hold back all the emotions and feel nothing.The mirror made her vulnerable.That day,she decided to engage into an eternal war with her reflection…her conscience.That day,she became a rebel.